Grass

Do you ever sit on the grass on a nice sunny day? Doesn't it feel nice and comfortable? A cushion for your butt :-), strong in number, and a sign of life.

I miss the grass.

When I was young, every time I sat on grass, I would pick up a chunk with my hand, hold it up in the air, and when a nice breeze came by, I would let it go and watch the grass gracefully fly away. 

I guess as you get older, you have to let chunks of grass go and allow new grass to grow.

I'm learning not to take things for granted. Everything is fleeting and things fall apart, but one thing that will never change is God.

So God, I set my eyes on you, the everlasting God.

"All the people are like grass,

and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;

the grass withers and the flowers fall,

but the word of the Lord endures forever" 

- 1 Peter 1:24-25

Superman

Since July, I have been plagued with physical ailments. In fact, so much has gone wrong with my body, that I'm convinced God is trying to teach me something. 

I remember when I was in the hospital, a friend rushed in to make sure I was okay. While I was semi-aware of my surroundings, she started yelling at me - something along the lines of, "You're not superman so stop trying because you need to take care of yourself!" 

I think I kind of laughed at that. At the moment, I knew exactly what I was, and I wasn't Superman. I was merely a human being, who was totally dependent on anything to get him back to normal. 

I would love to be superman. I would love to go and save lives, bring back loved ones from the dead, complete marathons in super speed, have ultimate strength, and have a normal job while doing all of that. But my friend is right - I am not Superman. In fact, I am not even a normal healthy young adult at the moment. I'm below that, physically weak, mentally exhausted, emotionally confused. 

The past 6 months have been hard. I don't know what's wrong with me. At times, during my deepest darkest hours, I find myself desperately going to the Lord and praying. Please God, please restore me, rejuvenate me, give me my health back. I am so weak, and I am wholeheartedly reliant on you - God, only you can help me. 

I've been praying for deliverance for a while now, and I always go back to my favorite verse in the Bible, when the apostle Paul has thorns in his body and he begs God to take them away, but God doesn't. Instead, He says to Paul,  " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. "  (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

God's power is made perfect in weakness. In my weakness, I am realizing the full power of God. I am nothing, but my God is everything. I am not Superman, but God is my Superman. Superman doesn't save those who are doing well, he saves the weak and the helpless. 

Through my suffering, God is teaching me about His power while humbling me. I eagerly await the day God restores me, but until then, Lord, I submit to you because you are refining me.


And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. - 1 Peter 5:10

9/11 - Reflections of a new New Yorker

10 years ago, in Las Vegas, I was on my way to middle school when I first heard news about a plane hitting one of the World Trade Center towers. My dad always had NPR on the radio, and we heard that a plane had hit the building. I remember thinking, along with many others, wow... what a horrible accident. There must be a faulty radar. During the same car ride, we heard about the second plane hitting the second tower. Now, this is when most of the country probably knew that we were under attack, but me? Wow...they need to fix that radar really soon. You see, at that moment, I had thought that America was invincible.

 We went on with class throughout much of the day. During PE, I learned that one of the towers had collapsed, but only by word. There were rumors that the news of the collapse were rumors. Everything just felt like a story. It was during my last class, when we turned on the TV, when I could somewhat understand the significance of this attack. The Pentagon has been attacked too? What's the Pentagon? And a plane crashed in Pennsylvania? We are really under attack?

 My teacher said, "This will change the history of America."

 It did change America, and it changed how I viewed this country. It was a breaking point of innocence and naivety, but the story of 9/11 was just a chapter in a history book.

 Little did I know that I would end up in the very city that experienced this attack.

 People here remember 9/11 in very different ways. As we sat at a dinner table one evening, a conversation about 9/11 brought back memories for several people. One friend had been in school, right across from the World Trade Center when it was attacked. She had seen her classmates cry and lose parents in that attack. Another did not have a very pleasant look on her face. You could tell that she was feeling some pain. After a few quiet minutes, we learned that she had lost a friend in the attack. In the office on Friday, a rather quiet coworker, who happens to be Mayor Giuliani's cousin, sent out a very long, but passionate reflection on 9/11. I guess it hit him deeply.

 I could see it in the streets too. As I got off of my subway stop in Times Square, I ran into a random search station. I saw police cars lined up all across 42nd street with sirens on, and officers with vigilant eyes. I wouldn't say that we are scared; New Yorkers hate to say that they are scared. We are not scared, but we are very aware that we are not invincible.

 I'm sitting here at work, and I should be working, but I find the significance of this day too powerful to think straight. Instead of making slides and finishing this project, I'm listening to the names being read at the 9/11 Commemoration and thinking about the people who've lost their lives.

 I'm beginning to feel like a New Yorker.
 God Bless America :-)

Hurricane Irene meets Maggie May

I'm sitting around the living room with my much older roommate and his guests. Amongst this circle, there is a gay black jazz vocalist, a black artist, a British investment banker, a German bar owner and his girlfriend, and then me, a young Korean American consultant.

We're nothing alike, but we sit in the circle drinking wine and waiting for Hurricane Irene to pass. We talk about race, black history, my identity as an Asian American, multiracial relationships, drugs, sex, and rock n' roll. I can't relate to any of them, but I sit and listen because their stories are quite interesting and...well, there is nothing else to do. Every now and then, when there is a lull, we look out the window and go, "wow, look at the river forming outside."

By 2AM, we all develop respect for one another. I've heard about their life stories, their drug use, and the injustices that they faced due to their race. The conversation gets a little uncomfortable when they talk about the importance of drug use and having sex with tons of women. The artist tells me that I need to do the same and that life is about fun. I am a bit disgusted inside, but I listen with a smile, gently nodding, not in agreement, but in acceptance of him. The jazz vocalist senses my discomfort and the conversation turns to music...

Unlike me, they can talk all night about music. I realize that music from the old days has a lot more meaning and history behind it, because all of them listen to a song with intensity and nodd as if it resonates with their life. As we continue to converse, Rod Stewart's Maggie May comes on and the room falls silent.

"Now THIS is a lovely song. It is a good good song. Well written," says the Artist.
Everyone sings along...

"You led me away from home
Just to save you from being alone
You stole my heart and that's what really hurts..."

I think it sounds like any other song with typical lyrics, so I ask the artist about its meaning, hoping to feel what they feel.

"It's about a young guy who falls in love with an older woman. He's heartbroken because she's just using him. He finally realizes and plans on leaving her."

I look at him and smile blankly...
But the whole crowd is into the song, eyes closed, and reminiscing.

So I sit and close my eyes too.
I hear Irene pounding on the window, but soon enough, she becomes irrelevant.

Maggie May, you stole the night.

God's power

It is times like this where God's power becomes greater and more evident.

God is quite powerful :-).
Hoorah

Jesus, My Strength, My Hope

Jesus, my Strength, my Hope,
On Thee I cast my care,
With humble confidence look up,
And know Thou hear’st my prayer.
Give me on Thee to wait
Till I can all things do;
On Thee, almighty to create,
Almighty to renew.

I want a sober mind,
A self-renouncing will,
That tramples down and casts behind
The baits of pleasing ill;
A soul inured to pain,
To hardship, grief, and loss,
Bold to take up, firm to sustain
The consecrated cross.

I want a godly fear,
A quick discerning eye
That looks to Thee when sin is near
And sees the tempter fly;
A spirit still prepared
And armed with jealous care,
Forever standing on its guard
And watching unto prayer.

I want a heart to pray,
To pray and never cease,
Never to murmur at Thy stay,
Or wish my sufferings less.
This blessing, above all,
Always to pray, I want,
Out of the deep on Thee to call,
And never, never faint.

I want a true regard,
A single, steady aim,
Unmoved by threat’ning or reward
To Thee and Thy great Name.
A jealous, just concern
For Thine immortal praise;
A pure desire that all may learn
And glorify Thy grace.

I rest upon Thy Word;
The promise is for me;
My comfort and salvation, Lord,
Shall surely come from Thee.
But let me still abide,
Nor from my hope remove,
Till Thou my patient spirit guide
Into Thy perfect love.

I want with all my heart
Thy pleasure to fulfill,
To know myself, and what Thou art,
And what Thy perfect will.
I want I know not what,
I want my wants to see,
I want—alas! what want I not,
When Thou art not in me?

-Charles Wesley

Crippled in NYC

After a pretty crappy day and finally accepting the fact that my left knee is out of commission for God knows how long, I spent today trying to learn what life is like here as a cripple.

Here are some things I've noticed from today...

1. NYC is not cripple friendly. Going up the stairs of a bus is difficult. Good luck finding escalators or elevators in subway stations. And people don't care if you're limping, just get out of their way because you're going way too slow for them.

2. It affects work. I can't walk around the office, freely run and get my cord, keep up with my coworkers going to lunch, or even get water without paying for it with pain. Some people say, "oh let me get that for you," but you know it eats into their work and their productivity and you feel bad.

3. You have less time. Walking home takes twice as long and it's twice as hard, putting on pants, socks, and even climbing into the bathtub takes a bit more time, so...you lose a bunch of time which is what New Yorkers apparently value most, secondary to money

So this is a bit negative, and I must admit, I feel pretty negative because without my leg, I feel like I've lost a bit of my livelihood and vitality. But here are good things that I learned today

1. NYC may not be cripple friendly, but it's beautiful watching the dynamics of the city when you're not part of everything else. As I was walking to work and attempting to get off of the bus, I felt like I was invisible amongst a flurry of people zooming by. It was kind of beautiful looking at NYC from a different perspective. Try it next time. Walk slowly :-).

2. There is hope in this world because most people are nice to you and try to make life a little bit easier for you :-).

3. You spend more time doing everyday tasks, but you appreciate each task because you start to understand how much brainpower and muscle control each activity actually requires. It's not like pushing a button anymore, you're inquiring within and with your body to figure out the next best approach to do something you thought was easy.

So cheers to you, my knee, for teaching me to appreciate life in NYC.

A Father's Love

I've learned a lot over the years, especially through my father, who through example, has taught me the basics of being a good man. He is

1. A dedicated husband and father - He worked all the time when we were younger so that we could get by comfortably, set up a college savings account very early on, and thought ahead so that not only we, but his wife could live in peace knowing that our future was well-planned.

2. A Protector of those he loves - Without thought, my dad fearlessly (and sometimes foolishly) protects my mom and us. When someone says anything bad about any one of us, he is the first one to fight back and stand his ground. He always protects.

3. Dutiful - He never lets my mom do any of the "dirty work." He's always cleaning the bathrooms, fixing the yard, taking care of the bugs, and taking out the trash. On top of that, he even cooks (if my mom lets him near the kitchen :-))

4. Humorous - The comical relief out of my parents. He jokes around at the right times. He enjoys watching us all laugh.

5. Extremely Caring - He doesn't like to show it, but internally, he has a well of emotions. Although his hugs are few, I know he loves me and he lets me know it through his annual birthday poems that he writes for me

6. Hardworking - I have never seen my father be lazy. While we were young, he worked very weird hours, yet he would be up before we woke up, and slept after we slept. Even though he was always very tired, he'd sit my brother and me down and tutor us so that we could appreciate education and be one step ahead in the classroom.

7. A Father that he never had - My father didn't always have a father there for him, and he grew up in a family with many hardships. Yet he tries hard to be the best father that he can be without having had a great father-like figure in his life.



I am truly blessed to have my dad :-).

And what's crazy is that even with this great dad, I have an even greater Father in heaven who loves more than my earthly father can love, and teaches more than my earthly father can teach.

"Jesus gave them this answer: 'Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does. Yes, and he will show him even greater works than these, so that you will be amazed.'"
-John 5:19-20

Happy Father's Day!

Misunderstood

I think Jesus must have felt like this penguin above. He was a man on a mission, with a purposeful life, but because other people could not see his mission, he felt alone. He was loved and revered, but even his closest friends could not understand him. I think the more I read the Bible, the more I realize how he was so misunderstood.

Yet in his loneliness, he found strength and a powerful companionship in God. He knew his identity in Christ, stood up, and took the cross.

God, will you give me this faith and this strength to stand up and take your cross.

The Heart of God

Today, someone in small group shared about her recent missions trip to Haiti. All of her stories were touching and made me think about how humbling it must be to go into a foreign land to help those in need. She talked about how she felt so powerless since she wasn't a doctor or a dentist, but at the same time, how she had to rely on God for power and for God to pour His love upon the children and people she encountered. It's amazing how powerful we can be when we rely on God because more than physical healing, we can give a Godly hope.

With that aside, one story really stuck out. There was a 19 year old Canadian girl (oh you Canadians...why are you so nice), who literally slept and lived with 70 orphans at an orphanage in Haiti to help them. Since clean water is not readily accessible there, the orphanage relies on an organization called Samaritan's Purse to bring water. However, Samaritan's Purse had not come the day before and so they were without clean water for 2 days. Our small group member and her team gave this girl some of their own water to keep her strong, but instead of keeping it for herself, she took a small sip and shared it amongst the children. pause here Think about the beauty of this scenario, here is a 19 year old girl who is blessed with so much and can have a healthy comfortable life in Canada, but instead, she's living in the slums of Haiti, amongst the orphans, in poor conditions, clearly very thirsty, AND while she has the chance to have some comfort through clean water, she instinctively shares it with the children that she came to love. WOW.

I heard this story and inside, it felt like my heart grew. That is God's love in that girl because what she is doing is very much what Jesus did when he came down to earth from a heavenly throne to die for our sins. That love became so tangible to me through this testimony that tonight, I feel very very blessed and reminded about the sacrifice that God made for us.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." - John 3:16-17

13.1 Miles of God

I started as runner #4812, ready to rock this race. As the announcer yelled, "Go," I glanced at the verse written on my forearm. I said a quick little prayer and started this race that our team had been training for in the past few months.

Everything seemed fine until mile 5, when I started getting sharp pains in my right rib. At one point, it hurt so bad that I didn't know if I could go on for 7 more miles. While I reflected on God and begged Him to take the pain away, I was reminded of Paul in 1 Corinthians 12. Paul pleaded with the Lord to take away a thorn in his flesh that tormented him, but God replied, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Although that thorn was not removed, Paul goes on to say, "for when I am weak, then I am strong," because Christ's power rests on him.

I started to really appreciate God. It felt so real, and even though I was somewhat disheartened by my physical status, I was more strengthened by my Christ. From mile 5 onwards, it felt like a big physical battle for me to finish the race, but it was spiritually uplifting.

A fellow brother and I ran and prayed together as we kept reminding each other about God. This brotherhood kept me strong because we would affirm each other and affirm Christ whenever one of us felt weak. It all started to make sense to me why Jesus always sent 2 disciples to do great things (Mark 6:7, Luke 10:1).

At mile 7, I really started to feel bad. In addition to the pain in my right rib, I started to cramp in my left calf. Every now and then, it would pull very tightly and I would yell out in pain. And almost everytime it happened, I would look at the verse written on my arm:

"The Sovereign Lord is my Strength
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer
He enables me to tread on the heights" - Habbakuk 3:19

By mile 8, I was stopping at every fluid station (not planned at all), drinking gatorade and pouring water over myself, walking for 10 seconds and then running again. Everytime my leg cramped, it felt like a jab to my spirit. What if the next time I cramp it does not loosen? But as my brother in Christ prayed out loud for us, I kept being reminded about the power in Christ. "For when I am weak, then I am strong"

The next 5 miles was difficult, but bearable. It's funny, because we could not see the finish line, but at the same time, we both knew exactly what our finish line looked like. In Hebrews 12, we are told to "run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith. ... Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." At the end, we kept reminding ourselves, this race was for God and that we would fix our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith :-). Jesus would be our finish line.

As we approached the finish line, we said out loud, "This is for you God," raised our hands up together, and crossed the line.

(We're on the middle left) :-)

Now that I'm reflecting on this race, I think God is telling me, "Thanks for trying to run this race for me, but really, this was for you Young, because now I hope you understand how much I can carry you, how much I can love you, and how I am there for you. I hope you understand that this life you will live for me is difficult, and how much you have to rely on me to get through it. Now, Young, I know that you know me much better."

Believe in Someone

There are very few moments in life where you go, "Wow, that's a life-changer." I remember one that happened back in 2004.

My brother and I were at our church youth group and somehow, we started talking about our dream colleges. When my brother said that he wanted to go to UCLA, an older guy laughed at him and said something along the lines of, "HAH yea right. Good luck. It's ridiculously hard to get in from out of state. Even my smartest friends can't get in."

I remember thinking, Wow, he must be right. If all of his smartest friends can't get in, how can my brother get in? But my teacher butted in, "Cho can get into UCLA, sure thing."

The older guy replied back with a smirk, "I'll bet you $100 that he can't."
Without hesitation, my teacher said in a cool voice, "Okay. I'll bet you $100 that he can."

I remember being absolutely shocked. My teacher believed in my brother so much that he was willing to bet $100 on him, on the spot, without even asking Cho about his grades! He had only known Cho for less than a year...

Two years later, in 2006, Cho was accepted into UCLA :-).
I'm left wondering - did my teacher's belief in Cho help him achieve his dream? Did he go home and pray for Cho every week? Whatever it was, it made me realize the power of belief in others.


So the question today is, who do you believe in?

Running with Christ

I ran a 10-K race today (6.2 miles) with 10,000 other people in Central Park. People were all running for different reasons, fundraisers, fun, health, and the likes. But today, with good reminder from Hebrews 12, I decided that I would run for God. That this run would teach me about life, discipline and what it means to persevere through tribulation. As a Christian, I view my life as a long race, and like a real long-distance race, it's not easy.

During my last mile of the race, I started to tire out and slow down. As I was reminding myself in my head repeating, "this is for God, for God, for God," I saw a man in front of me with a sign on the back of his shirt. It said, "Running with Christ." I smiled and I ran up next to him, put my hand on his shoulder and said, "I'm running with Christ too." He looked at me, smiled and said, "Nice to have you join us. Pray for me."

I smiled, because then, I realized that I wasn't alone in my run for God; Christ was running with me, and with him, my fellow believers in Christ.

I ran forward with a renewed sense of energy and as I crossed the finish line, let out a nice sigh. I couldn't have done it without Christ.

-- Mr. "Running with Christ" man, your shirt made a difference in how I viewed life today. I am praying for you tonight :-). Thank you

The most beautiful place I've ever seen

The most beautiful place I've been to was a forest in Costa Rica in the Arenal Volcano region. I remember rapelling down waterfalls, jumping into rivers, and feeling the cool breeze send chills down my body. At the end of this adventure, I hiked away from the river into this mysterious forest ground. I could hear heavy rumbling all around. As I got closer to the end of the path, the rumbling grew stronger and stronger. The grounded started to vibrate at each step, and small shots of fear quivered down my body. It must be a big waterfall, I thought. As I took a few more steps, I had a feeling of fear and awe. Whatever it was, it was going to be beautiful.

I turned the corner and I could see the source of this wonder. I remember staring in awe. My brain sent a flush of emotions to my body; I wanted to jump, scream, run, cower, smile all at the same. Instead of doing any of that, I just stared while trying to process what was before me. There was a steep cliff, about 100 feet high and 30 feet wide hidden in the middle of the forest. A heavy flush of white water crashed down onto the rocks while the trees and fungi sparkled in the mists of impact. If you looked up at the right angle, you could see a crisp rainbow with clearly defined colors. With each step forward, my fear and awe for this natural beauty grew. I mustered up some courage and touched part of the falling water as the mists started to engulf me. I wanted to be a part of this nature, not just observe it. The water crashed down on my hands, my arms, and then my shoulder. I rushed back out realizing it was too great for me to touch.

I stepped back again, and at that moment, I appreciated God. I imagined God carefully crafting this waterfall to teach people like me what it meant to "fear God." I thought about the power of God, how he made the earths rumble, the waters fall, the rainbow present, and even the fungi sparkle. I realized that I was looking at the creation of God, and I began to understand God's power. I marveled at Him with fear, with awe, and with reverence, and it was much stronger than the fear that I felt when I first experienced the "most beautiful place" I've ever seen.

"Fear the Lord your God and serve him. Hold fast and take your oaths in his name. He is the one you praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes." - Deuteronomy 10:20-21

New Year's Resolutions

It's been a while since I've actually made serious New Year's Resolutions, but here they are, in no particular order.

2011 New Year's Resolutions
1. Sleep ~7 hours a day
2. Learn to love the people who are hard to love and encourage others to do the same
3. Save money on lunch, spend it for and on others

Keep me accountable please :-).