No Pain No Gain

Last year, before I got sick, I sharpied onto my leg, "no pain no gain." Some people thought it was weird, but as a newly motivated runner, I really believed in it.

You see, if you want to be a faster, better runner, you have to challenge yourself and train your muscles, including your heart. That means doing hill workouts, intervals, dashes, and running for longer than you think you can. It hurts, but without doing that, you can't get better. It makes sense right?

Right....but, the past few days, I spent hours trying to make sense of this saying in my life. The pain that I feel is a different kind of pain, it's not the kind of pain that I purposely bring on myself. It's intense, physical joint pains that come out of nowhere and make you cringe. Physically, you gain nothing from it at all. It's a type of pain that doesn't only affect you. You literally feel it, but that physical feeling manifests into emotional and mental pain for your loved ones. So now, it's not just a one-person pain, it's a several people pain. Where is the gain in that? Maybe it'll come later for some of those people, but what if it drives one to the point of literal craziness and into the depths of despair and it never brings them back? What kind of gain is there if all gain something but one does not? Or what if this pain never brings back gain, or it takes away the strength you had and replaces it with a new and different strength, such as endurance. Is that a gain? Because in order to receive that, you had to lose something, and maybe that something you lost you valued more than your new gain?

I couldn't figure it out, so today, after a long break, I decided to run hard so that I could feel the pain and the gain again. It's weird and it's hard to understand why, but during the process, I think I literally ran away from the confusion in my head. By experiencing the pain and realizing what I will sow a few days later, I could understand life again.

At the end of our run, one of my running group members finished our session with the exact words I was thinking in my head.

"No pain, no gain"

I nodded in approval, but for me, it meant something totally different

From a Book while I Wait for my Doctor

C.S. Lewis

Remind Me

For the Good - Shane & Shane

When darkness is surrounding me
by Your Spirit, Lord help me sing
that You are working all things out
Lord, I really need to hear you speak
Remind me in the waiting
that You are working all things out

For the good of those
who are called by You
for the good of those
who are in Love with You
That's why we sing

Holy God of light
I lay down my life
Holy is the Lord
Even in the storm be glorified

We like to take the blessing from You
Shall we not take the trouble too
You are working all things out
We like to take prosperity
Shall we not take the suffering
You are working all things out

Holy are you Lord
even in the storm
be glorified
Worthy of affection

Though the Sorrows Last Through the Night, Joy Comes in the Morning (doves...)

I remember singing praise at church a few weeks ago 

Though sorrow may last through the night, joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

I remember thinking as I sang the song, "Well...God, joy doesn't come in the morning for me. The only thing that comes in the morning is pain." 

I've been struggling with that verse. Joy comes in the morning? Really? No... not for me. 

Yesterday, I particularly struggled with it. I had another test, and it showed another thing wrong with my body. I was really holding onto the hope that it was all in my mind and they wouldn't find anything wrong...but they did. And... I found out in the morning. It really sucked.

"Joy sure comes in the morning (sarcasm)," I thought. 

 God...  My heart is hopeful and yet it hurts. Is that even possible? Why would you even say that? Why are there false hopes? 

I wrestled with that as I went to bed. 

This morning, I heard a bird land on my window. I sat up and looked through my blinds to see a dove again. This time, it brought another friend because there were 2! Not just one dove, but two doves :). As weird as it sounds, this brought me great joy. God loves me, and He sent two doves to show me. 

Joy really does come in the morning. I guess for me, in the form of a dove :).

The Promise of a Dove

This morning, something hit my window and woke me up. I heard some flapping of wings and then a coo. I peaked through the blinds wondering if this pigeon was okay, only to be shocked by a beautiful dove.

I thought it was really cool, but later on, I remember thinking... this is uncanny! First of all, I've never seen any animal outside my window (my window shows nothing but the wall of the next building close by), but now a dove! Second, I lead a small group named the Turtle Doves, so a dove has special meaning to me. Third, just last night, I read a verse, "Be wise as snakes and harmless as doves" (Matthew 10:16). Maybe... God's trying to tell me something.

The past few days have been harder on me. For some reason, my body is in a lot more pain, and there's nothing we can do about it. I started having some doubts and my broken-down spirit cried within myself...."must I go through this forever?" "Will you leave me like this God?"

I think God responded by sending me that dove. Doves represent many things in the Bible, but particularly peace and love. Maybe God's telling me he won't harm me? ("Harmless as doves...") or maybe He's just affirming me (He saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said,  "This is my Son whom I love, with him I am well pleased" - Matthew 3:16-17). OR, maybe he's telling me that although I am in pain now, those days will soon be over (the dove is a messenger of safety in Genesis 8).

I can't figure quite figure it out, but more than the meaning behind the dove, I think God just wants me to know that... through all this praying and crying and waiting, He's listening to me.

Mumblings from the bed of a sick man who can't sleep

really There's an uneasiness inside me. I know I need to be strong, that I need to ignore this and overcome this and that only God can help me through this. I'm desperate, and after some prayer, I go on gchat and ask a few people online at this odd hour to pray for me because I'd love to be sleeping right about now and be oblivious to all my pain. They pray for me and I just feel more peace, but am I really better? No. I can't sleep. My body is telling me things are wrong and my practice of trying mind over body is failing. I'm scared again. Can I take this repeated abuse? I know the answer and it's yes. But man it's hard. I need to find peace, so I turn on my rarely used iPod and listen to praise music. Wow I haven't heard these in so long. It brings me back to when I first met Christ. So powerful and so much rest in His arms. Rest in His arms. That is what I seek. Rest.

I Surrender All

God, what are you doing?
Please just stop. Please relieve me. 
Have I not had enough? Have I not been faithful?

He touches my heart, "I love you."

Then why... why must I go through this?
How much longer? 


"Love is patient"

Don't you think 2 months is enough...must I be more patient?
Then can I at least know what's going to happen?
Why am I suffering so much?


"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." - James 1:12

Lord, then I surrender all.